Severus Snape Is Not A Coward
by Sevvie.Rose
Summary: Severus Snape is not a coward. AU. Based off an RP I'm in, but you can easily follow along! Written by Sevvie. I do not own HP - borrowing the characters.


Ten years and four months is how long they had been together and currently counting. They had a beautiful daughter together, Serena Isabella Snape, she has her mothers' jade eyes, his jet black hair, and a mixture of their attitudes. He was one-hundred percent positive she'd be in Gryffindor, no matter how many times he would deny. His life was perfect, yet every morning he awoke, before her of course at 4AM usually to begin his busy day as Headmaster and Potions Professor, feeling as though something was missing. He could never put his finger on what was missing though.

That's a lie; he knew exactly what was missing. It was sitting on his desk in front of him. He sat back in his chair, nursing a small glass of firewhiskey, staring at the black box. He glanced up at the clock, letting out a sigh when he noticed it was 2AM. He debated in his head three options: Go to bed for two hours, stay up and run on no sleep (not like he never had before), or a combination of the two and lay in the bed next to her, staring into the dark or watching her sleep.

He decided the latter, but every time he went to move he would freeze as his eyes gazed the small box on his desk. He finished off his half glass of Firewhiskey and nodded his head. No, he was /not/ backing out. Not anymore. He had purchased this box six years ago! What the hell was stopping him every day? He stood up and grabbed the box, freezing when it was in his hand, then frowning and taking a seat, removing his hand and leaving the box in its place.

Oh, right, /he/ was. Or memories of him, or... fear of him taking her back, he scowled as he remembered when the man had apologized for everything just days before Severus had taken his woman. He sighed when he felt a ping of guilt in his chest. Why would he feel guilty? Why /should/ he feel guilty? It's not like James was innocent in this predicament. Seven years. Seven years of torment had stripped James from innocence! And him saving his life /once/ from his friend Werewolf and the mutt was supposed to make everything /okay/?

He clenched his fists tightly together, completely forgetting about the glass until it shattered in his hand and he looked down at the noise, not even feeling the pain as the shards cut into his palm. He stared at the blood as it slowly dripped onto the floor. His frowned deepened as he stood up and walked into the bathroom to clean his hand up with a potion and spell.

He emerged from the bathroom after a few minutes, his hand wrapped in bandages. He reclaimed his seat at his desk in the Headmasters' office, intertwining his fingers and continuing to gawk at the black box. He thought about what had happened, the anger he felt. It made no sense, he wasn't angry at Black, Lupin, or Potter anymore. Pettigrew could rot in hell as much as he was concerned. But the fact was, he wasn't angry about what happened in school. He wasn't innocent, but they did much more to him than he did to them.

Still, the fact is he had forgiven them ten years ago, before him and Lily had gotten together. He was tired of carrying that grudge around. So why now? Why did he have to feel this… anger, anger which he hadn't felt in over ten years? He figured it was because of the box that sat on his desk. He admitted to himself a long time ago that Lily had made a mistake. He wasn't good enough for her; he would never be good enough for her. She was a fool for being with him, she was a fool for even considering being with him before it happened. He frowned as he lifted up the box and toyed with it in his hand.

It wasn't only that she could do better, he didn't deserve her. His life had been full of Dark Arts and… and things he didn't want to think about, but he did daily. He had killed, he had raided, he had tortured; done horrible things as a Death Eater, and even before that he had called her the worst term he could think of when they were teenagers, yet she just forgave him? He didn't deserve that forgiveness.

He closed his eyes and cleared his thoughts. He was too drunk to be thinking this seriously, but he knew every fact he ran over in his head was just that, a fact. He began focusing on other things, happy things; like the first time he had held Serena, the first time Lily had said she loved him as well, Serena's first potion she made with his help, Serena smiling when she had received a broom on her first birthday even if she couldn't remember, Lily on their wed-. There was no wedding day, why? Because Severus freakin' Snape was selfish and scared and… and… an idiot!

He stood up and pulled his cloak off the back of his chair, walking in long strides out of his office and towards Lily's chambers, where he slept regardless of having his own chambers. He said the password in a hurry and practically ran to the bedroom door, pushing it open and waving his hand to turn the lights on. He stopped frozen in mid-step as Lily stretched her arms.

She let out a yawn and wiped the sleep from her eyes, looking at the muggle –styled clock she kept on the bedside, glaring at Severus. "It's 2:45AM, Severus; couldn't you be quieter coming to bed? And why do you have the lights on?" she asked not waiting for a response on the quiet comment. She wiped her eyes once again then lay back on her pillow.

"I- Well, there was something… I-" he stopped at a loss for words.

Lily frowned, pushing herself up to sit, "What? Is something wrong? Severus, if the greenhouses or my classroom aren't on fire, or my Gryffindors are trying to kill your Slytherins, or... something, then it can wait for the morning, can't it?"

Severus stood in silence, rolling the box in his palm, keeping it hidden from view. "Yes, I'm sorry, Lily."

Lily gave a soft giggle, laying back on the bed, "Go get ready for bed, and turn off the lights, I know you can see in the dark."

Severus nodded his head, waving his hand to turn the lights off and walking to the bathroom, "Sorry again…" he whispered as he closed the bathroom door and began getting ready for bed.

After he shed his robes and stood in a sleep shirt and drawstring pajamas, he brushed his teeth then glared at himself in the mirror for minutes on end, turning his gaze to the black box every small amount of time. "You…" he wanted to insult himself in the mirror to make himself feel better, but he couldn't even think of what to call himself. He decided to steal what Minerva had called him before she knew of Albus' faked death and that he was actually on their side. "You coward…" he said with a frown, leaning his forehead to the mirror. Minerva had apologized over and over for that comment, but he would always shrug it off, because it was true.

"Coward, coward, coward, coward…" he murmured to himself over and over again, jumping when he heard the door open, quickly grabbing the black box and throwing it behind the sink.

"Severus are you ever coming out of here?" Lily asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the doorframe.

"Of course, Lily, I'm finishing up now."

"Hm," she said as she walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder, "Was… you calling yourself a coward?"

He stiffened, biting his tongue to keep from answering. He shook his head no and turned to her, giving a faint smile, "Of course not, Lily. Shall we?" he asked as he walked into the bedroom.

Lily gave a sigh and followed him, running past him and pushing him out of the way to jump on the bed and laying back. "Too slow, Sev."

He gave a chuckle, lying in the bed next to her, "How childish, Lils," he said, making sure to use her nickname.

"Pfft. Like you can talk," Lily said as she lay back on her pillow and smiled over at him.

"Excuse me? Please, I'm anything but childish," he responded, laying his head down then sticking his tongue out in a childish manner.

"Oh, right!" Lily said, rolling her eyes and rolling her body to lean against him then closing her eyes to go to sleep.

Severus laid in the dark for an hour and a half until he heard the clock go off for him to get up. He pushed the button Lily had showed him to quiet it and sat up, frowning as he looked towards the bathroom at where the black little box laid forgotten. He reached over on the side of the bed where a desk sat, pulling open a drawer full of his things and pulling out a pack of cigarettes, sliding on in his mouth, smiling inwardly as it lit itself, and then turning to face Lily to sit cross-legged and watch her sleep for a bit.

He took a drag, making sure to blow the smoke out away from Lily. He watched as she slept peacefully, smiling when she would shift in her sleep just a bit then return back to her normal position. In his head he was screaming 'Coward!' over and over again as his thoughts kept drifting to the bathroom. After he finished up his cigarette, he crushed it in his hand, his eye just barely twitching as the cigarette burned him until it extinguished. He then stood up and began getting ready for the day, pulling a new set of robes out of his drawer and quickly putting them on, slowly and quietly walking out of the bedroom, not wanting to wake Lily yet again.

When he reached the main door to her chambers, he paused in step, trying to think of what to do. "Accio ring box," he spoke clearly, watching as the black box flew out of the bathroom and through the crack in the door and into his hand. He stared at it in his hand, then at the door, giving a faint smile. A plan hit him. He would /have/ to do it if someone put him on the spotlight, right? He would… he gave a smile, turning in a swoosh of black and walking out of the chambers and to the headmaster office. He needed to speak to Scorpius and pronto before the reunion for the students he was being forced to attend.


End file.
